It's been a while.

 

 I haven't blogged for a long time. I guess for more than a year. I've been going through a critical phase in my life. I had some terrible lows in these past 2 years.

  Moving out from our very own home was the hardest decision we made and finally in February 2018 we did it! (with siblings & mom) - of course, thanks to the support of family & friends. We set foot with high hopes for a better, peaceful future but in just 3 months time, our 10 years old pet sister, Dolly died of cancer. We were devastated. That pain itself was so much to cope with, and then in 2019 my sister had an infection and was hospitalised. Her condition was quite bad at that time but we got things under control.

Atleast for a few months...

  Then the year 2020 came and as everyone knew, Corona Virus spreaded and the whole world suffered a great loss from it. But the biggest blow to my family was the sudden death of my mother. Amma's passing was a great loss to all of us. We are still grieving and it feels just as the same day she left us. I'm trying to keep myself strong, to live with the wonderful memories I had with her, to accept that her time & purpose is over. Yet, I really miss her and I'm yearning for her presence in the house, every single day! 

  I'm physically, mentally & emotionally down myself. 

  I've been living with kidney failure and doing dialysis for the past 18 years. That's actually quite a long time. It kept getting worse and over these years, I've accumulated a number of other health issues as well. First, it was epilepsy - I was hospitalised a numerous times for that. Then from mild to profound hearing loss (I guess due to the epilepsy) and lately I'm suffering badly from hyperparathyroidism. 

  It makes my bones weak and fragile and limits my mobility. And I'm waiting for my surgery that supposed to be done back in December 2020 but got postponed due to Covid. It's fixed in August but I hope that I can able to endure with the symptoms and agonising, continuous pain. Hope I don't fracture any of my bones, till then....Fingers crossed!

So much of difficulties, pain and agony felt throughout these years but I think the most dreadful feeling of all is grieving for the loss of a loved one. Definitely! It's hard to digest when it happens to our loved ones rather than to ourselves. It happened twice in two years time! And I can't describe how down I am feeling right now.

  It's a struggle. I am working my way through it, as usual. I believe where there is hope, there is life. Moving on, positively & with great hope for the year 2021!

Wishing everyone a great year ahead!

Stay safe & let's fight this pandemic together, responsibly! 

A prayer for a little Angel

  Time passes so swiftly. It has been a tough year for me without my little Dolly by my side. Perhaps I can say it has been my toughest year yet. I've lost a special  family member. The kind you can never replace with another. I never knew that a dog could make such great impact on my life. She was not just a dog. She's my beloved little sister who loved me as who I am , my best friend who was always there by my side, a true loyal and faithful companion in times of loneliness, a comfort in moments of sadness and an angel that came and did wonders in my life. So sad that their lives are too short compared to us.

  

  On 16th May 2018, the day that I will never ever be able to forget in my life. The day that gave me immense amount of pain from a separation. She succumbed to cancer and left us. The pain and sorrow that I felt on that day is still the same till today. I'll never be able to get over it till the day my soul leaves this world. This year  we decided to have a small prayer just to remember our little girl. To show some respect and love to a soul that loved us all so much. it was a terrible day to start. I could see the sadness in my siblings faces. Such great amount of happiness she brought into our lives that she took it away with her just like that!

  I woke up that morning, sat on the couch just staring at her pictures that we kept separately in the living room. Many memories of her were just running on my mind. I cleaned her photos and stuffs and my sister decorated her photo with fresh yellow flowers. There was a tiny candle lit. The kind with a special fragrance. She took the effort to prepare Dolly's favourite dishes. A few kinds of meat, rice, banana and some sweets too, served on a banana leaf. We prayed in silence with the shivan mantra played in the background. Tears were just rolling down my cheeks. I stood a few minutes looking at her, now in a photo. I thanked her for all the wonderful years we'd been together. I seek for her forgiveness if ever I had done any mistakes and I said the usual word I use to say to her every single day for a hundred times literally ... I LOVE U CHUPI!

   Its still unbelievable that she's no more and will never return again. It's a crucial moment in my life, especially living with kidney failure and I badly need her by my side now. I knew it will never happen yet at times it feels like she's watching over me. I believe she's there guiding and protecting my whole family like an angel, waiting for us till our time comes. I hope when that day comes and as I close my eyes to rest forever, she'll appear before me and we'll be able to run side by side, reunited at the rainbow bridge. I'm waiting for the day where I could hug and kiss her again. I hope there's a place up there called heaven. Where there's meadows, fields and flowers. A beautiful garden for us to run around and play happily once again.

"sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes 

   and roll down my cheeks"
  ~ Unknown Author ~

Blogging Again!

Blogging again!

 It's been a few months since i work on my blog. I had to, i just needed some time for myself, to accept the death of my beloved companion, Dolly and to cope up with my health problems. It's never been easy living a life with kidney failure and dialysis.

 It's more than 7 months since my best friend, DOLLY left me. In this period, I've tried several times to blog but i just couldn't put it in proper words. I would type for hours and then I'd delete it. The next day, i would do the same thing and the following days too. My mind was all messy. My heart was still missing her and it will be forever. The memories are just too strong and i was so so depressed.

 Today, I've decided.. I have decided to be strong.. To move on.. To start back where i halted... Something my precious DOLLY started for me after she left me and i just have to continue it. I sat down this morning determined to blog once again. It's "Christmas" today but it isn't a merry happy day for us. The silence at home makes me understand that not only myself but my family is missing her too. 

As usual, mom was busy in the kitchen with her household chores. It's a holiday, so my sister and brother were both at home. It was a sunny morning. I gulp down a hot cup of coffee, took my laptop and my fingers automatically started typing. Words just poured out and this time i made myself strong and my mind clear, not to give up and not to be emotional. I guess i did it!  

Remembering My Best Companion

  It took me sometime to start back writing on my blog. I was totally devastated after the demise of my beloved Dolly. I've decided to start writing as today marks the third month she left me.

  The death of my Dolly can be perceived as an irreconcilable loss and the grief was unbearable for me. Many may think that a dog's departure is nothing compared to a human but i will say that only a dog lover or a dog parent knows the intense sense of loss and emotional pain that i had gone through during the grieving process.

  I believe time and patience taught me to cope up with her loss although at times i still cry and longed for her. I feel its okey to cry and remember her and all those wonderful memories as that's a part of the process to heal myself.

  Im still feeling lonely most of the time as she had contributed and be by my side for the past 9 years. Faithful, loyal and true love. That's how i can describe my Dolly girl. She was more than just a do. My best friend, little sister, a true companion and my happy pill. The utmost bonding we had, that makes me difficult to continue with my daily life especially with my kidney failure illness and all the complications i'm facing now.

  I went through a soul searching phase to heal myself emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. Whenever i had a problem  she was always there and her companion made me strong. My life changed now drastically  and i had to find a way to do something not only for myself but to benefit others too. 

  My first step was to start writing and that was how this blog was created. Not only in life but after death too she's still there guiding me now as an angel. Death can never apart a strong bond. I believe a death will be a beginning of a new life. She taught me many good lessons about life. She taught me about true love, loyalty, happiness and most important to live in the moment. 

A new chapter in my life now. Thank you my beloved Dolly. My best buddy. 

Dolly

16.5.2018

Rest in Peace 

  

16th day prayers..

A prayer for our beloved...

  The 16th day since my Dolly left me..

As per Hindu tradition, we have to pay respect by doing a prayer and offering food for our deceased family member... It's a belief that the soul will rest in peace and reach god...

Many who don't have a pet might just feel its awkward or funny to do this stuff, but to the pet lovers, they could be able to understand... the bonding, the relationship, our pets were not just an animal but a family member.... Same goes with my Dolly.. 

She was our little sister..

Our baby..
    
Our best friend....
       
Our precious gem...

  Having with that, we decided to have a small prayer as a token of appreciation for all the love our beloved little sister, Dolly showered on us...

  I decorated her picture with lots of colourful fresh flowers and  my younger brother, Jagedísh arranged all the necessary items  accordingly on a table...

  We placed a few small photo frames with her picture in it taken with all of us... So cute and adorable my little princess was... So lovely wearing her dresses.. Pink, blue, black... Posing with a smile on her face..  

  We lit a lamp and spreaded a banana leaf to place the offerings... 

  My sister cooked  Dolly's favourite dishes..  Fish, eggs, mutton, rice, carrots, cauliflowers, her dog kibbles, dog treats and a cup of milk....

  Dolly loves fish and milk. Usually cats prefer this kind of food but surprisingly my Dolly prefers that too... She is quite a unique kind of dog.. 

  After offering all her favourite dishes, we started the prayer by breaking a coconut followed by lighting the lamp and then each of us placed a flower beside her picture...

  She is our god now... Our little angel is our god now... We put our hands together and prayed to her...

   I just said that i love her very much and i hope that her soul is resting in peace....

i prayed asking for forgiveness if ever i had neglected her...

I prayed that she will always guide us....

I prayed that i miss her and i wish she will come back to me...

  It was hard for me because the next day is my birthday.. I celebrated all my birthdays since i was at the age of 21 with her....

You can say i spent most of my youth life and i celebrated all my birthdays during my youth time with my Dolly and now at 29 years old, she left me forever....

  We wanted to celebrate her 10th birthday grandly... Another four months more...

  12 September 2009,  her birthday and we wanted to bake a cake, sew a nice dress and gift her favourite treats and soft toys but  sadly she didn't make it...

  Cancer took away our dear baby's life.. It was like so soon... An unforgettable day in my life...

16 May 2018 at around 1.30pm the doctor euthanised her and she left us...  She left us forever...

  So short time that we was not ready yet to let her go... Now we are just consoling ourselves at home that  atleast we were able to stop her pain and suffering....

  After her prayers we sat down and had a moment of silence... Thinking about our Dolly.. Sharing her pictures and watching her videos...

  I thought to myself, "instead of celebrating her birthday in another 4 months, we are now here mourning for her" .... 

  Her memories... That will never die... Not even after I'm gone because others will keep on remembering her...

  She had showered  so much love on us... So much that it's impossible to forget her.....

A true man's best friend...

I LOVE YOU MY DEAR DOLLY MA..

ALL OF US AT HOME MISSING YOU BADLY..

R. I. P

Dolly@chupi ma

Born on 12 sept 2009
Departed  on 16 may 2018
9years 8 months

Thinking about her... My first poem to my dear Dolly...

I cried today,
I cried yesterday,
The other days too,
Thinking about my Dolly baby...

They said time will heal your pain,
But i don't think so,
They said to me to move on,
But i don't know how,
They said to replace her with another,
But i know no other can replace her..

As days past,
The burden is heavier,
The pain is unbearable,
The memories are getting stronger...

My mind is in a chaos,
My heart is yearning for her,
Day and night,
Thinking only about my little angel...

I cried and cried,
The tears keep on flowing,
Never ends,
The bonding is just too strong...

She left her pawprints,
on our hearts,
She touched our souls,
Loving us truly and faithfully...

I missed her licks,
I missed her scratches,
I missed her snuggles,
I missed her sniffing me...

I missed her touch,
I missed her smell,
The tail wags and smile,
That never fail to cheer me up...

Now i'm just so lonely,
Sitting in a corner thinking about her,
Wishing she was there beside me,
Hoping one day we would meet again... 

We went through ups and downs together,
We promised to be together,
Till the end of our lives,
But she knew her time was over...

She prepared me,
To face my life all by myself,
Avoiding me,
Suffering in pain all by herself...

Till her final day,
Every second sitting away from me,
So ignorant i did not realise,
She didn't want me to suffer,
Watching her dying...

So much love she shared,
Never expect much but only love in return,
What a wonderful soul i met in this life,
I'm thankful i had the chance to be with you... 

Goodbye for now My dear Dolly,
You are still living in my heart,
Your memories will never fade,
Till my heartbeat stops... 

I hope you come back to me, 
In a form of a young pup,
Or maybe at the rainbow bridge,
Where we can run happily,
Side by side forever and ever....

In loving memory of my most precious baby sister, best pal, loving little angel... 

DOLLY@CHUPI 🐕♥️

A TRUE MAN'S BEST FRIEND!!!!

A week had past..

  Today marked the 8th day since my beloved baby dolly left us. So soon a week had passed. Friends and family told us to move on but how? 

  The same feeling since the day my pet Dolly left me, sorrowful and miserable we just couldn't tolerate it. Too hurt and confused, for the first time i don't wish to live anymore. Atleast then i can get to meet my baby Dolly. I can get to rejoin back with my precious little angel and i can give her one more kiss which she was not able to give me during her last days.

  I just want to feel her golden brown soft fur. I just want to stroke her head and give her a good scratch. A good massage which she loves. I just want to hug my baby and just express how much i love and miss her. I just want to beg for forgiveness if i ever had neglected her or hurt her feelings.

Day by day i am hoping for a miracle to happen. That one day my baby dolly will return to me or i will get a chance to meet her.

  This morning, wednesday, the 23rd of may 2018 i woke up with a heavy heart. As soon as i woke up, i just cried. A week ago, this was the day our beloved princess Dolly left us. I did a prayer for her. I lit a light for her, decorated her photo with fresh colourful flowers and i served her favourite bread and potato. She loved bread. Every morning after her meal, she used to sit and have my breakfast too. She was  very good in showing pity face. Anyone heart would sure melt looking at that pathetic face and im sure would offer their meal to her.

  I just sat and cherished all the memories i had with her. She was one amazing soul that came into my life and created magic. She showered pure love and affection to me and my family. I thank lord for bringing her into my life. 

  I will cherish all the moments i had with her till my last breath. This is my promise to my Dolly girl. I will love you forever my baby chupima. Rest in peace my dear chupi. You will be missed forever.